2011 is going to be a year of transformation

Here are the things I will work at this year. 

 

My Location

 

Both physically and figuratively, I will change my "location".

I will move from being a jaded/ struggling/ lonely and wistful "oldie", to becoming enthusiastic, adventurous, optimistic and free.

I will release myself from the voices that shape and contol me, and move to listening to my self and staying authentic.

I will give benefit of doubt to people, and take away expectations from them. I will love and live freely and abundantly. I will attract friendship and love and good times.

I will not let procrastination and laziness deprive me of moments, and pleasures.

I will not let my scarcity awareness overrule me. I will utilize and enjoy what I mean to.

 I will start on a new note and a clean slate. I will be fun and feisty and disciplined.

 

My Personality

 

I will not let drinking or smoking define me or anyone else…either way:-D

I will be more open, and forthcoming.

I will not say No to adventure; and learn to say No to people, so I don't resent them later.

I will not Judge people.

I will not define boundaries for myself.

I will give space, and not expect much. I will just enjoy friendships, not burden friends.

I will live and love and stay in the "NOW" ; and not let vague visions of future worry me. My life is not a book that has to be perfect. I want to live and enjoy and learn and experience.

I will not be ashamed of who/ what I am and make excuses.

I will allow myself to be Vulnerable. Its okay to be susceptible, but not gullible. I am stupidly naïve about certain things, and that's who I am.

I will stop struggling to "become" this or that or like him or her. I will start living as me.

I will learn from friends and their experiences. Enough lives have proved that miracles happen and prayers are answered and you cant plan anything.

I will discipline myself to prioritise  my spiritual practices by making them a ritual. It is a very peace inducing and nurturing habit. I will chant, do yoga, and jalao my deeya each day.

I will read more. Travel more. Invest in experiences.

I will be careful about money. Prudent.

 

My Status

 

I will not be desperate and codependent anymore. I will not be self conscious. I will give up time  and age awareness.

I will attract love. I will attract care and concern. I will attract a partner. I will be part of a couple, without making the other responsible for my well being. I am responsible for my own happiness, and willing to co create and share.

I will hope, and look forward and not become cynical.

 

Amen.

 

Breaking Free

I have broken free. Finally. Of wanting to seek approval all the time for all of the things I do. Of wanting to check everything with him and her and the other to see if I was thinking the "right way" if the option I was considering was "right" if the way I was treading on was "okay" and "safe", if it sounded "all right"…

I have broken free of this dependence on other people's opinion, with an implicit expectation of their their consideration, support and guidance …and in the process, I believe I have set a lot of people free of having to play my guardian!

 

It feels good. It feels scary. It feels reckless. Now all my decisions are my own. All my rights are right for me and all my mistakes are mine alone.

 I have let go of the self pity crutch of hindsight and thinking no one guided me or told me any better.

 

Here's to making more mistakes, and more intuitive right choices. Here's to living my life my own way. With my decisions all mine. Right or wrong.

Birth Month Musings

 

 

• My birthday was two weeks ago. I am thirty two, which I have always thought is a classy, intriguing, alluring age to be. Hope my life this year is ditto.
• I got rid of the pesky cyst..the day after my birthday. Mum says its my new birth. Em says with the cyst I must believe I got rid of all accumulated angst of the past years. Now I am a new person. Not that it feels any different!
• I have been surprised with warmth from unexpected quarters and am very grateful for it. I have also been confused with coldness from unexpected quarters. I am grateful for that too. I have had time, and experiences to think about what my paradigm of relationships is.
• I got to meet and spend time with an old friend, from another lifetime in this life. I felt the years melt away. I got in touch with who I once was, and what I was loved for. I was able to access my primal behaviour of trust and confidence, and realized with a shock how much I now am wary..of most people and things!
• I reclaimed a part of my childhood by spending agenda-less time in the house I grew up in. I sat in old familiar nooks, smelled the friendly fragrances. I want to spend some months there, and live with my parents for a bit again. Really do. Maybe a sabbatical next year will be the right thing.
• I experienced unconditional love, and unconditional support at home and at work. I am grateful for where I am today.
• I got over the desire to buy a new flashy phone. Its making me feel smug and superior that I did not allow myself to succumb to materialistic trappings to become happy.:-D
• I rediscovered how much I love April. The flowers, the greens, the parrots and the cuckoos and the bulbuls and the tiny sparrows that play outside my window. I love the smell of april. I love the sounds of april. I love the breezes of april.
• I feel calmer. Relaxed. Even surefooted now, in a tranquil way. Hope this is not complacence.

 

 

A Friend in Need...

It took me a very long time to figure out the meaning of “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. I always used to interpret it as if it were the friend who was always in the need, and the indeed was a sarcastic comment on what one thought of them! So in my mind, it read more like ,” A friend in need? Is a friend indeed!” Of course now I laugh at the simplicity of the actual saying, and the way I totally convoluted it in my mind!

A couple of incidents over the last two weeks have brought back this saying repeatedly to my mind. What if you want to be the friend in need (and am now sure the need is of the other) but can’t be? I realized with some bewilderment and confusion, that many of my friends may not reach out to me in their hour of need. I experienced it thrice over a period of fifteen days (serendipity?) that friends I thought I was close to, shared rollicking good times with, burdened with my deepest darkest secrets are friends who did not reach out to me in their personal crises and celebrations. What does that make me? A friend of the good times? A fair weather friend? A frivolous friend who people have a good time with..and who is good enough only to have a good time with? What kind of a friend am I if you don’t think of me in a tribulation or a celebration and want to include me in your news? What kind of a friend am I if I hear all news when it becomes public…I hear about your move to the city I am in from someone you visited…I hear about a celebration in your immediate family through an impersonal card sent by snail mail…

What does that tell me about myself? That my welcome, and whatever warmth I am able to demonstrate (maybe not as much as I feel, and hence this) is considered customary not genuine? That I am not seen as (or I do not come across as) sturdy enough/ strong enough or sensitive enough to provide care? That I am good just for a few laughs? That I cannot be depended upon? That I am insignificant in the larger scheme for those that I consider my friends?

How does that make me feel? Hurt, abandoned, excluded..and guilty. Guilty for not being able to be there..and not knowing how to; and guilty for evaluating the situation afrom the focal point of my need even when it’s a significant high/low point for my friend. I have tried, but unable to reconcile with the fact that I am not anyone’s friend in need…

So what kind of friend am I ? Am I even one? Maybe I only demand, and consume friendship. What does that make me? I always thought I was warm and giving in relationships, I go the extra mile, I am generous and open, and flexible. I thought I can step in and deal with issues, or help people. But on three different instances, close to each other, I haven’t been on the call list of people that mattered to me.

And what I am ranting for? For reassurance that I am a good friend? For validation that I am as much part of the inner circle of ALL MY friends as they are of mine? Is it even necessary? I know who my 4 am friends are…and for all of my friends, I hope they have one too, even if its not me…

God must truly enjoy his little jokes!

Its been a strange day. A day of gratitude, of realising trade offs; of being overwhelmed and helpless. Its been a day of resentment, and of guilt for feeling resentful. a day for feeling lost and guided at the same time.

 

Just when I was expressing gratitude to the bountiful universe for blessings recieved, it became abundantly clear what i was trading off and missing. What also became clear was that the universe answers all your prayers to the last letter, so it's best to be sure that you are articulating all that you want, else the unarticulated parts will manifest in weird ways, and take away from focusing on and appreciating the beautiful and realistic manifestation of that which you did articulate and ask for.

 

God must truly enjoy his little jokes!

A team lunch

its been a while

*hi·a·tus * (h-ts)

*n.* *pl.* *hi·a·tus·es* or *hiatus*

* *A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break: *"We are

likely to be disconcerted by . . . hiatuses of thought"* *(Edmund Wilson).*